Lessons From Stick People

Being a woman in Colombia is hard. Or rather, it appears to me that being a Colombian woman must at times be difficult. Uncomfortable. The tall shoes, the tight clothes, the absurd poses...

And yet many of them are succeeding in looking like Colombia's number one export (above), which frankly I find astounding since typical Colombian food looks like this:

(beans + fried plantain + sausage + rice + beef + fried egg + pork rind + avocado + arepa = typical dish called bandeja paisa - enough food in one meal to keep you full for days)

Hey wait a minute, you are perhaps thinking, Celeste just wrote about how lazy she is these days, and about how she fell off the vegan wagon - she is just bitter and envious that she doesn't look like Shakira!!

Bitter...no way. Envious...maybe a little. Shakira is hot. I'm not going to argue with that. (Would anybody?) And it would be pretty cool to have a body like that. Powerful, right? But I don't. And this post isn't about my feelings about my body. End of story. There are bigger things to worry about.

Except that in Colombia, that's not the end of the story.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going, but allow me to tell my little story anyway. A few weeks ago I visited a private clinic to have an ultrasound done (internal organs all present, and appropriately shaped and sized - yay) and it was a warm and sunny day, so I sat outside the main entrance while I waited for the test results to be printed.

I noticed a sign standing just next to the door; it would have been hard not to notice, as it was at least six feet tall and had a nearly naked woman on it. I didn't have my camera with me, so I wrote down what it said with the intention of sharing it with you. I fear that the real image would distract you from the message being conveyed. Instead, I have for your benefit re-created a less distracting version of the poster, with translated text. This is better than the real thing. I swear.

There is only one clarification I would like to make. In the real advert, the woman was slightly less sticky, and much more...perfect. Well, her body was perfect, but apparently she was concealing some very disturbing flaws. Her ego, for instance, had somehow migrated to her ass. No wonder she hasn't been feeling great, she's been sitting on her sense of self-worth all day. Indeed - lift that sucker up to where it ought to be - somewhere in the vicinity of the brain, perhaps.

Also worrying is the fact that she has been storing her dreams in her...breasts. Possibly her heart had a leak?

It may be that she is on to something though with the whole stomach/love handles situation - that is where my fears are? Fuck. I've been trying to get rid of mine for months now - if I had known that they were hiding in my stomach fat, I'd have had it sucked out ages ago!

So, there you have it folks - an inner-self makeover via outer-self manipulation. And they will help you finance it! Just a quick bit of cutting and/or pasting. And perhaps some sucking. It's so easy to be what everyone else thinks you should be!!

Now, before anyone gets defensive or upset with me, I am not condemning all plastic surgery. People have their reasons for things, and everyone can do as they like, blah blah blah. Nor am I going to get into a discussion about the cultural influences that cause the women here to think that butt implants look good, or that breasts are only worth having if they are perky like a 15-year-old's and at least a D cup. But I will say this, and without apology: that advert is wrong. It is wrong to try to sell women the idea that their self-worth, confidence, potential, and peace of mind depend on how closely their bodies resemble the current ideal (refer to first photograph, or insert the words pornified Barbie doll.)

When I first read the sign, I laughed. But then I got angry. What bullshit! Women everywhere should be offended by this - it is demeaning crap, and it is sitting outside a medical facility. Medical facilities help people, right? Not screw with their minds for profit? But nobody else appeared to be bothered by the obscene poster, so I seethed in silence until my results were ready.

For my own peace of mind I'm going to get a Botox injection and some liposuction. Wait, damn it, they almost got to me!! No, I'm going to create an alternate advertisement. Maybe I could cut out bits and take them down to the clinic, do some light editing...what do you think?

Common Sense Makes You Feel Good!

You are not only what you look like!

Be Healthy!

*sigh* By the number of women walking around who have quite obviously had work done though, I know myself to be in the minority thinking this way.

Or maybe I am just selective and hypocritical - I got a mole removed once. And I had my eyes corrected. Is the convenience of not wearing glasses comparable to the convenience of having a gigantic round butt, or large and unnaturally round, perky breasts when that is what is considered beautiful? Because nobody could deny that being beautiful must be very convenient indeed. I'm open to discussion!