How to Make Vegan Chili in Colombia

STEP 1: Find a recipe.

STEP 2: Visit numerous local grocery stores and try not to feel like an idiot when the store clerk looks at you as though you are one because you've asked for help finding the tofu.

STEP 3: Purchase tofu substitute Carve (almost like carne - the Spanish word for 'meat') - soy vegetable protein which looks like a cross between croutons and dog food.

STEP 4: Visit numerous local grocery stores looking for chili powder. When this fails, harass a friend until she agrees to share some of her imported stash. Promise to repay after Christmas holidays.

STEP 5: Hit the grocery stores again, this time in search of kidney beans. After reading seven different labels and determining that all canned kidney beans are pre-mixed with pork products, purchase a pack of dehydrated "red beans" and just hope that they are at least similar to kidney beans.

STEP 6: Get kind of frustrated with the whole process because 3 days have gone by and you've already used up the other ingredients you thought were going to be put in the chili; have something else for dinner and follow it up with a nice big glass of wine.

STEP 7: Soak the "red beans" for 24 hours, during which time you must go out and purchase all of the other ingredients again.

STEP 8: Ask the maid to cook the now only slightly pink-ish beans for the requisite 4 to 6 hours until soft enough to be edible. (It is not a good idea to attempt this step on your own, because last time you tried to cook beans, you nearly burned your apartment down, remember?)

STEP 9: Screw the recipe - make the chili using whatever ingredients they had in stock at the grocery store.

Step 10: Enjoy - it was worth it!

Burns and Bugs

I booked my Grand Canadian Tour from my hospital bed back in January before I knew when school would be getting started again (or if I would even be able to go), and as a result came back to Colombia about 10 days early and have been hanging out mostly with myself. What have I done since my return? Have I made good use of my time? Erm...no.

In addition to watching the entire first two seasons of House (that's 46 episodes, people) my first major accomplishment was to nearly burn my apartment down. On Monday, I went for a leisurely walk then met a friend for coffee. A passing comment of hers brought to mind my carelessness, and I must have looked pretty shocked, because she asked "what, did you leave a pot on the stove or something?". Well yes, actually, I did. "You're kidding," she said. Nope. Gotta run. I grabbed the first taxi I could and hung my head out the window looking for billowing smoke from my neighbourhood... no firetrucks...no people milling in the street...no smoke. Outside, that is.

When I opened the door to my apartment I abandoned the small wisp of hope I'd been entertaining on the way home that somehow I had remembered to turn the element off, then forgotten that I had remembered. Instead, I found my pot of beans, extra black now, filling my home with stinky, stinging, clinging smoke. I am an idiot.

The clean-up after that particular mistake is ongoing. My laundry room is hip-high with every piece of clothing I own here, except the items that have already been washed and aired. My sheets, blankets, and pillow covers, were among the first things to go in, so I could at least sleep without inhaling the smoke stench up close all night. It took two days (no dryers here!) but by Wednesday afternoon my bed was made with crisp, ironed, fresh-smelling linen. There is nothing like a clean bed, right?

Except now, I've taken all the bedding off again, and done this with it:

Why, you ask, would I do this? Any guesses? Well here's a hint:

Not chicken pox. Flea bites. (These are some other victim's bites, but mine look pretty much the same.) And they ITCH like the dickens.

My first year here I also had fleas in my bed, as did my roommate in hers, and I was mortified - how would I have picked up fleas? But everyone said that it's normal around here, it just happens. Same with the cockroaches and termites, and the lethargic flying beetle-type creatures that I was finding by the dozen flying around my plants but seem to have vacated of their own accord. Just part of the Colombia experience. At least now I know how deal with it.

So, to sum up: the lingering smoke odour caused by my stupidity has now been covered up by the overwhelming chemical stink of the product I am using to fumigate my sheets (hence the industrial weight garbage bags), bed, mattress, and everything around it. My beautiful little apartment, my peaceful little corner of the world, reeks.

I can't help but wonder if I'd stayed in Canada for another week or so, might I have avoided this mess? Hmmm...a kind friend pointed out that at least nothing worse happened, and for that I am indeed grateful. In the meantime, I'm off to find a nice smelly candle.