1)I know you don't really know what to say. The truth is, nothing that anyone says is really going to help, unless you are my doctor reading me test results, and they are good.
2)I am not brave. I am scared shitless. And if I didn't whine and complain and cry in the hospital, or I don't make a fuss every time they have to take more blood, it is because my parents taught me that whatever your role in life (student, employee, sick person, recovering sick person etc.) whether you chose it or not, you should do it as best you can. I think I was a good patient, but I was doing what I had to do, and that is not bravery.
3)Please don't tell me not to worry, that everything will be okay, that the worst is over. This may be true. But it may not. I am not assuming the worst, or obsessing about relapse, but it would be foolish not to at least acknowledge the realities of my present situation. When you tell me not to worry I know you mean well, but it makes me feel like you are belittling what I've been through and the very real fear that I keep tucked away in a quiet but readily accessible place inside me at all times.
4) I am not 'sick' anymore, but there are still good days and bad days, and they are still often related to cancer. There are so many people out there in this situation, I do wonder how they cope, because 'survivorship' is so very much harder than I had expected. Nobody warned me about this, so if I sob all over you because I'm still getting the hang of this phase of the whole ordeal, please forgive me. I'm sure I will develop coping strategies.
5) If I am not perfectly happy, peppy, positive, please don't have a panic and assume something is wrong and make me reassure you many times that I am okay. It is hard to have to be strong all the time to keep others from worrying about me. Just let me worry and be sad sometimes without making me worry about you too.
6) I am fine. Nothing horrible has happened to inspire this writing, no symptoms, no test results, nothing. I am merely playing the 'what if' game - what if I had never become ill and could live a life absent of this particular brand of fear and drama? It is a nice fantasy...
True words. I have always believed we should all take life one day at a time and let our experiences build our character for the unknown purpose it serves. Every now and again just having a friend around, not to talk or listen, but just to be there is enough. All I can say is two things, within your doubts as well as accomplishments try not to recluse, for without emotions you shut out those who care (and you know we all do care). The other thing is...putting up walls doesn't just keep you safe from the outside world, but instead those 4 reinforced walls lock you in a confined space. The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, but the illusion of knowledge. Thank you for clarity. Keep safe dear friend. H
ReplyDeleteCeleste, having been their with you, I know you were an awesome patient. You did the best you could and then some. You also taught me to be a stronger person. I remember the night I cried in front of you, the nurse came in and removed me from the room ( and gave me a stiff talking to in her broken Spanish)~ my fear had overcome me, yet you who were ill, kept telling me it would be ok. It was a turning point for me. I hope from that time on you found me a better person to have in the room with you 12 hours a day ~~ to live and be with in the moment. Your blogs make me smile and make me cry they are so from the heart. love mom
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